This is a private conversation I had with a recently married friend about married. I decided to share with y’all because it was helpful to me and I know it will be to you too. Some parts of the chat was had in pidgin. I left it unedited for authenticity purposes.
Nenebi: Last week I was thinking about marriage. If I have to marry now, who would I marry and why. I couldn’t answer
Kay: First of all, do you want to marry ?
Nenebi: Yes, of course. Within the next 5 years
Kay: Okay. And do you think your personality and the way you see life will make you stay and endure everything in marriage?
Nenebi: That’s something I think about. I’m not going to leave a woman because we have difficulties, I’m not that type of person. The thing that will be a problem for me is living with someone. Sometimes when my cousin stays in my room for too long, I get irritated. Or when a girl wants to stay for the weekend, I feel overwhelmed. I just want to be alone. (The most creative ideas are born in solitude).
Kay: Then you for think about am well. Because you can’t tell your wife you need space to think. Women are 100% attached to their husbands. She will want to know what’s up with you. She will want to know your plans and even why you need to be alone. She will wants to be with you wherever you are and she will wants her husband to be her best friend. If you can’t let a girl stay for the weekend, how can you let one stay forever? Marriage is a good thing, no doubt, but its not an easy journey, especially for men below 35. Your finances too for be solid else you no go enjoy anything in marriage.
Nenebi: That’s something I need to work on
Kay: So you can try entertaining a girl for the weekend and see how it goes. I no talk say have sex ooh
Nenebi: I have tried. I will always feel like I have to go and take a walk so I can be alone
Kay: Taking an hour walk is not bad but the fact that you don’t want the person around be serious problem
Kay: Because this one sef is not marriage so she will be cool with you and treat you extra good so you like her more
Nenebi: If girl sleep over saf, I dey sleep the hall after sex. I don’t know why
Kay: Holalaaa then you for not marry. If the 5 years reach and maybe you see a counselor too and you no see change in yoursef then marriage is not for you
Nenebi: So you think marriage is not for everyone?
Kay: Oh yes. That’s why people dey divorce rough rough. Abi u dey go court so you dey hear things
Nenebi: That’s true
Kay: The transformation process be the cause of the divroce. Right now as you dey sit there, you go fit get up go Bob’s house for Amrahia, go stay there for two weeks. Because you be alone, no one go question that ‘this thing’, ah haa. If you get wife, your wife go fit decide to go with you or your wife go fit talk say make you guys dey house meanwhile you dey want go there. So the change process from being single and doing whatever you like to being married and doing what you and your wife like is the hardest thing for most people and if you are not the type who can adapt easily, you go marry today and tomorrow be seeking divorce. The transformation process is not easy. There are people who are cool, who don’t like going out and they can stay home one year with one woman and not feel like going out. There are also the outgoing people, the extroverts. Marriage hard give those people. People who don’t like being around people also have a hard time in marriage. Marriage is usually not easy for those people so no matter how hard they try and force themselves to adapt, in four years, five years, they start getting fed up. Within a year, you have to adapt to your partner. If within a year, you are not able to, the marriage might not work. When it gets to that, nothing anyone will say can change their mind about leaving.
Nenebi: Me, like that, I want to have kids but I be Christian so I for marry before having the kids
Kay: Problem. That one be your mentality but your personality too show say you for just have some 2 or 3 kids and stay alone
Nenebi: Make Pentecost (my church) people excommunicate me.
Kay: (LAUGHTER EMOJIS)
Nenebi: (LAUGHTER EMOJIS)
Kay: The adaptation no be easy give me kraaa cos of my outgoing lifestyle. The time I no marry, I fit go out and come back 5am sef
Nenebi: But your wife no dey stay with you
Kay: As she no dey here, e be cool so I dey imagine if she dey here aahh like maybe we go have some serious issues
Nenebi: Abi she go fit go with you. She knows the people you hang out with?
Kay: Oh (my wife) no go stay out till 12am sef. She go ask what are we still doing out at that time. Because by that time to her, you have had all the fun you want to have.
Nenebi: Last time some girl come take me to church, evening service. We pass by some small spot wey boys dey, dey do some sitting (how me and my friends call guys hanging out to drink and chat) for there. As we dey come back, after 4 hours, the boys still dey there. So she ask me, why boys dey sit some place for hours with no music. Just sitting. I tell am say “trust me it’s more fun without the music”. E turn argument
Kay: You see oohh. Sometimes the conversation sef boys de sit to have go fit take 10 hours cracking jokes and things. Imagine if our boys hang out we can stay there for one year sef and no one will get bored
Nenebi: Yeah. But since boys start marry, we hanging out no dey happen again. The last time we all were together at a place was at a wedding
Kay: Yes, that day Bob invited us, my brothers-in-law say them want come chop fufu for house so I for dey. That day sef I get some serious business for town but I no go do
Kay: End of year Xmas, na I no really get money but I for at least buy some hamper give my in-laws because we for visit them and we can’t go empty handed.
Nenebi: That thing too. More expenses
Kay: The expenses be unlimited. Another thing be say if you marry, no be every hustle u go fit do. Sometimes boys dey do things wey you can’t or don’t want to talk to anybody about but as a married person you can’t just get up from home and say you are going out without telling your partner where u are going and what you are going to do. Wey e no be every risk u go fit take because responsibilities dey so in case of loss you go make hot.
Nenebi: Marriage dey limit plenty things.
Kay: Plenty. That be why most men dey prefer to marry when dey are older, like 40 years upwards. That time you hustle your hustle all finish. Because from 25 to 35 life be full of up and down. You lose some and win some. If you are married, your lost doesn’t affect you alone. It affects the entire family.
Nenebi: That’s why people dey wait to make am before they marry.
Kay: You see oh
Nenebi: So marriage means more expenses with less hustling opportunities.
Kay: Yes and how can you settle the more expenses without more hustling?
Nenebi: That’s the question
Kay: Yah. Marriage has sent people to their early graves. So imagine if on top of all this, your partner too dey give you problems. Frustration go kill you. I don’t know for certain but I’m sure as F come Ghana if he no marry yet like he go fit stay because the time he come he swore never to go back. He said America was deadly for him
Nenebi: Yeah, that’s for sure. The marriage limit plenty things for him. His wife too is extra attached so he had to go everywhere with her. He couldn’t hustle like a Gee
Kay: Yah, like he for wait small and study things before
Nenebi: Church boy, he want f#$% so he marry (SMILEY FACE EMOJI)
Kay: Make you mind am
Nenebi: This marriage thing…
Kay: Marriage is good but when you enter without being fully ready, it will be bitter for you
Nenebi: I go try and see if I can prepare for it. If not, I no go marry.
Kay: When you are fully ready, you go fit marry. When your finances and personal life settle, marriage go be cool chop give you. like Bob, he just dey chill